14 things that never happened
Every entry is invented. Entries with a correction attached open the real article; the rest are still waiting for theirs and say so.
Number 14. Earth quietly renting a second moon on a monthly plan
Cancel any time. Early termination fee is described as “considerable.”
Number 13. Gravity now optional in parts of Nevada
Officials advise residents to hold something. Anything.
Number 12. Fortune 500 CEO replaced by a large indoor plant, profits rise
The plant does not attend meetings. This is credited as the main innovation.
Number 11. Entire cryptocurrency politely gives itself back
It said it was sorry. It has not been seen since.
Number 10. Regional bank found to be operated entirely by one owl
Deposits are safe. The owl is not commenting. The owl never comments.
Number 9. Ohio quietly cancelled, nobody notices for a week
Neighboring states declined to comment or to look.
Number 8. She kept the shoes. The shoes were a hologram.
The receipt was also a hologram. The regret is real.
Number 7. Pontiff opens rival Vatican in a strip mall
He took the good candles. Neighbors say the parking is much better.
Number 6. Reality star buys the concept of Wednesday
Undisclosed sum. Wednesday will continue as normal, for now.
Number 5. Singer's hair successfully filed as a dependent
It has its own social security number and a modest allowance.
Number 4. Beloved actor admits he has been a committee since 2011
Minutes were kept. The minutes are the performance.
Number 3. Man marries own reflection, files taxes jointly
The reflection was not present for the ceremony. Or was it.
Number 2. Dog wins Nobel, refuses it, buries the medal
Committee described as “understanding.” The medal is somewhere in the garden.
Number 1. Senator admits he is four raccoons in a trench coat
The bottom one has been doing the voting. Colleagues describe the arrangement as “efficient.”